clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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