i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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