Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
