i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
