Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
