his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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