someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
