I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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