I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
