Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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