Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
