If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
