the condom got lost in my hair
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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