Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
