if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
