Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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