Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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