i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
