If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
