hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
