Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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