omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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