it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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