Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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