Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
