a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
