When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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