Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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