you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
