Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
