She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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