I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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