Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
