So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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