I CAN MOONWALK!
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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