I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
