god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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