My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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