census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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