my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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