Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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