Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
