Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
