Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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