I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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