I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
