Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
