I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
