Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
