I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
