I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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