i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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