she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
