Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
