I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
