; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
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I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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