I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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